Can we learn to build our resilience?
- Mar 15, 2022
- 5 min read
Updated: May 24, 2022
It can at times be difficult to discern the right tools for dealing with difficult situations we are facing. Ups and downs are part of our daily lives. These ups can be fascinating while the downs can quickly turn into a strong sense of imbalance. Some people seem to have a hard time dealing with adversity while others pick themselves up quickly and keep going. The latter has a higher level of what is called resilience.
Resilience is an important quality in today's stressful and ever-changing lifestyles. It is that ability to face challenges, to deal with disruptive changes without acting in a dysfunctional way, and even more importantly, to thrive past them.
Resilience is not just a set of skills, nor is it a static trait. Rather, it is a holistic life pattern that prepares us for challenges and allows us to move forward despite adversity. Being resilient does not mean that we are never sad, irritable, or angry because of a shocking or difficult event. It simply means that we find the right way to deal with these events and move forward despite the obstacles.
You may have heard the comparison of resilience to a rubber band: each individual has their own shape and size and some can stretch longer than others before breaking. The most important characteristic of a rubber band is that it recovers its shape very quickly. With normal use, the rubber band will not break. But, if its endurance is abused consistently, it will not return to its original shape and will eventually break. Our resilience is similar: if we are tested intensely for a long period, we will break under stress. The good news is that we can bounce back more easily than a rubber band and that even if we reach our limits, nothing is lost. We can use our resources and learn from those more difficult moments. Then, like a rubber band, we must continually learn to stay flexible, avoid mental rigidity and extreme situations, to keep our shape and balance as much as possible.
Building resilience
Some people, through a combination of temperament and environmental factors, seem to have inherited resilience, but most of us need to learn to develop this key skill.
Many researchers and mental health professionals have attempted to describe the key characteristics or traits of resilient people. These include, but are not limited to, level of competence, commitment, coping and effort, self-confidence, empathy, personal and social resources, optimism, discipline, spirituality, and self-control.
All these traits are aspects of our life that we can work on and develop. How can we do this? Our brain uses a process called neuroplasticity, which consists of the creation of new neurons to reorganize and improve these connections and thus learn new behaviors. The more we practice resilient behaviors, the more we will gain these skills and thus become resilient. It is possible to do this with some key changes in our lifestyle and outlook on life.
When resilience is harmful
Like anything else, too much resilience can quickly become harmful. Some people, when faced with an accumulation of stressors, may resort to defense mechanisms, such as denial, to avoid facing adversity and the problems that lie ahead. On the other hand, always keeping busy to forget about our issues instead of facing them, can eventually lead to other mental health problems.
So-called overly resilient people can also get caught up in striving for unattainable goals and thus get stuck in a vicious cycle where they can never achieve their irrational definition of success. Resilience is also toxic when these people become resistant to adversity, which will result in neglecting their well-being and stubbornly facing difficulties while thinking they are invincible.
Resilience is not a way of forgetting our problems, ignoring our basic needs, or creating impossible ideals, but rather a strength that allows us to process information in the face of difficult situations to emerge stronger. Ignoring problems will have the opposite effect.
To develop positive traits of resilience, here are some tips to help you:
Foster positive social support. Social support means feeling loved and valued, having a network of family, friends, neighbors, colleagues and/or community members who are there when needed. Being well surrounded by people we trust can increase our ability to protect our psychological well-being.
Accept and appreciate change. Change can be anxiety-provoking, but facing and accepting it can quickly become an invaluable asset in today's society. Changes are an opportunity to identify your strengths and discover our potential.
Improve your outlook on life. Focusing on positive thoughts increases our sense of accomplishment and self-esteem. Fostering an optimistic attitude, finding the good around us, and developing a sense of humor can help us recreate a positive inner narrative and face the challenges ahead.
Adopt a survivor's mindset. By focusing on a survivor mindset rather than a victim mindset, we can transcend life's constraints and challenges rather than being defined by them. Instead of suffering from vulnerability and a sense of helplessness, a survivor mindset allows us to tap into the powers of adaptation and resilience.
Focus on problem solving and communication. Effective communication in conflict situations allows us to understand the other's point of view and vice versa, which in turn increases our sense of being understood, accepted, and supported. It also helps to open up to the other person and practice our mental flexibility.
Become active instead of passive. Inaction is a trap: the less active we are, the less we feel we can be. A negative internal narrative or perfectionism is often at the root of this problem. Being more self-compassionate can help to break this cycle.
Learn from failure and take risks. Failures are learning opportunities. When we experience them, it is relevant to reflect on the lessons we learn from them and to focus on developing our level of introspection. Taking risks, whatever the context, does not necessarily mean putting oneself in danger: it is an action, materializing your will to succeed.
Take care of yourself. A healthy level of resilience cannot be achieved if we do not take care of ourselves. A healthy lifestyle, i.e. the care we give to our physical and mental health, is the key to achieving a healthy balance in life.
Ask for help. Sometimes, not being able to accomplish our goals or keeping our heads above water means that we need a helping hand to get there. Asking for help can be intimidating but necessary at times, to take a step forward. Taking this step can set an example for others in need, normalize the process and, in doing so, help reduce the stigma that still surrounds mental health care.
Resilience helps us in all aspects of our lives: daily frustrations, upheavals, or tragedies. It's not just about getting up from a difficult situation: resilience is the ability to move forward, to get up stronger and wiser, to face the challenges ahead. This ability can be innate in some and acquired in others and when used wisely, becomes an incredible inner strength that will serve us throughout our lives.
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