Relationship toxicity and identities

Many of us believe that our identities are defined by our relationships with others; how we act towards them, how they make us feel, what they think of us etc. However, identities are defined as a ‘fact of being’ and come from within through our values, goals, and aspirations. Since the beginning of time, connectedness and acceptance have been primal needs that ensured our survival. However, these concepts, in today’s time, present themselves in very different ways. Our survival no longer exclusively depends on connections to survive but how we know and treat ourselves. We should not define ourselves by the titles or the possessions we have but by how well we know ourselves. Many of us did not learn this concept, let alone how to be good friends with ourselves. Instead, we wait for others’ approval to confirm or infirm who we think we are, which can leave us greatly susceptible to toxic or codependent relationships.

How Relationships Can Build our Identities

Relationships help build our identity and can impact or alter the way we see ourselves and the world around us. The term « we-ness » can describe relationships where two people form a depth of connection that supports a sense of shared identity (i.e. goals, values, etc.). In this mindset, this connection between two individuals helps them to feel the sense of « us in the future » thus, altering their future-oriented actions and goals to achieve this. By changing the course of certain actions over time, identities become more flexible and aligned with the « we-ness » unit.

When a relationship is healthy and both partners can commit, show respect and work with each other, the « we-ness » remain as such. However, when codependency or enmeshment is present, the unit can become toxic and long-lasting impacts can evolve from it. Our actions, behaviors, and patterns can then change negatively and alter our identities.

Signs your Identity May be Impacted by a Toxic or Codependent Relationship

The key to protecting our selfhood is to thrive and grow in healthy relationships with meaningful individuals in which our uniqueness is not threatened or diminished. Unfortunately, some may find themselves struggling with debilitating dynamics.

Recognizing these signs may help to take the first step in seeking support. Here are a few:

You sense an urge to fight, flight, fawn or freeze. If we sense danger, threat, or distress in our relationships –through disagreements or even through unrecognized primary needs (i.e. validation, appreciation, love, respect)- our nervous system goes in alert mode to try and protect itself. If you find yourself in this situation often around your partner, it may be a sign that something deeper is going on.

Constant failed or missed attempts to resolve conflicts. Inability to resolve conflicts is one of the most hindering issues in relationships. This can occur when partners struggle to communicate, ignore or don’t know their true feelings, or are afraid to share them.

Inability to compromise/one-sided relationship. You probably heard time and time again that compromising is a key part of a successful relationship. It’s that skill that allows two people to hear and respect each other’s wishes by finding a common ground to work with. It’s no easy task and involves highly sensitive conversations for most. Over time, when issues arise and no compromise can be found, people tend to drift apart and, although in a relationship, can feel extremely lonely. On the other hand, if you find yourself always to be the one who compromises and forgo your own needs to keep the peace, it may be time to explore other ways to manage these situations.

Trust issues and controlling behaviors. Trust issues and controlling behaviors are different but are often experienced conjointly. Trust issues can be described as the fears of betrayal, abandonment, or manipulation which can lead to controlling behaviors, such as manipulation, stalking, excessive callings or texting, etc. Exhibiting controlling behaviors may be a way to channel trust-related anxiety. Unfortunately, if you find yourself on the receiving end, it can be extremely stressful and can often lead to abuse if not addressed.

Not feeling like yourself. An easy but not so obvious sign that your relationship may need work is to constantly question or doubt yourself. If not you, maybe your loved ones are hinting that something has changed or that you are not yourself. You may feel more anxious, irritable, or depressed but cannot pinpoint the cause. If so, be honest and ask yourself if this has to do with your current relationship. Is there anything that you are missing? Are your needs being met? Do you feel supported?

Walking on eggshells. Similar to the fight, flight, fawn, or freeze state, if you often experience fear or you anticipate negative reactions from your partner, it may signal that something is wrong. For instance, not sharing your true feelings or opinions for fear of retaliation or constantly feeling guarded or stressed are examples that you may not be your true self around each other.

High defensiveness. Being constantly in a defensive state may also signal toxicity in your relationship. Feeling easily triggered or offended when your partner addresses issues can create ongoing and unnecessary conflicts. High defensiveness may come from a fear of being vulnerable or when discussing a topic that makes us highly emotional and sensitive. Regardless, this can be a roadblock to any relationship. After all, expressing vulnerabilities is necessary to build emotionally intelligent relationships.

Feelings of not being taken seriously. Not being taken seriously can be extremely damaging to one’s self-worth. Over time, such behaviors (i.e. using insecurities against one another, alienating one another, etc.) can have long-lasting negative impacts. Being constantly undermined will have negative repercussions on one’s self-esteem.

Verbal or physical abuse becomes the norm. Physical, verbal, emotional, psychological, and financial abuse is never okay and should not be tolerated, whether you are the victim, the perpetrator, or, both. If you find that this has become the norm in your relationship, it’s imperative to seek help immediately. Abuse in relationships often escalates and toxicity can over time come to a dangerous level. As such, seeking help from professionals is extremely important to ensure you and your partner are safe.

Why Can it be Hard to Recognize Toxic Relationships?

Recognizing a toxic or unhealthy relationship is not always simple. Growing up, we model and internalize behaviors we learned from our main caregivers. If we were exposed to unhealthy or toxic arguments, high criticism, perfectionism, or a chaotic environment as a child, we will tend to mimic them as adults. We later assume that these patterns are « normal » or we seek them out of habit and comfort. Behaviors that were protective as a child (hiding, controlling our surroundings, fleeing, etc) tend to become much more problematic as we turn into adults, especially in relationships. Another reason why it may be hard to take action is that a part of us understands that recognizing unhealthy relationships makes them real and means we need to do something about them. Before we come to this realization, we often make excuses, and experience a state of denial or perhaps dissociation as a survival mechanism.

The toxicity of a relationship and victimization go hand in hand: the more we experience or witness the violence of unhealthy behaviors, the more our brain replicates it. It's a vicious cycle where we can be more prone to become a perpetrator of abuse or to remain a victim and continue seeking those types of relationships.

Experiencing a toxic relationship also brings overwhelming fears: the fear of being alone, the fear of not being loved by anyone else, or being financially independent for instance. It can be easy to only focus on the false sense of security the relationship brings rather than on what we can accomplish on our own and how we can fulfill our own needs.

Things you can do to break free of toxic arguments

Although toxic relationships may present a risk to our well-being, every relationship can get stuck in vicious cycles and toxic arguments at times.

If you take the first step and recognize that your relationship is impacting you and your identity, it’s crucial to first identify and name your emotions. Once you are aware of how you feel, it’s important to regulate these strong emotions to communicate them honestly. If this is not safe for you to do so, please seek professional support first. A therapist could help you build a plan to get to this point or assess the risks that this represents and find alternate options for you and your partner.

Once you are capable of openly communicating with your partner, make sure you take turns in sharing, and listening to each other’s sentiments without interrupting or feeling attacked. Try not to take things personally if your partner reacts strongly but rather try to understand what makes them upset. By taking a step back, it may become easier to feel empathy and find compromises and solutions. Before ending the discussion, try to make sure that both parties feel heard and that you agree on steps moving forward. It’s important to agree on a clear, precise, and common plan so you can both keep each other accountable and work together towards a resolution. Always remember that any kind of abuse should not be tolerated. Abusive behaviors can include things like name calling, gaslighting, yelling, belittling, slamming doors, throwing objects, physical abuse, etc. If you feel like your partner’s behaviors are negatively impacting your well-being, it’s important to draw a firm line and set healthy boundaries to ensure you are safe at all times.

While you work at communicating more effectively, don’t lose sight of your own needs. You should both continue to make time for healthy habits, hobbies, and friends, even when you may feel disconnected. Being true to your authentic self will not only help you live in your values but will help you set the boundaries you need to communicate adequately and make important relationship decisions.

Bottom Line

Relationships are extremely rewarding and can help us grow and evolve as better versions of ourselves. These positive feelings can sometimes lead to losing certain parts of ourselves. When we find ourselves sacrificing too much of our identity, it may be time to reassess the dynamic of the relationship. Working with a therapist can be helpful in changing behaviors and patterns that may lead to a loss of identity in relationships.

If you are experiencing verbal, emotional, or physical abuse in your relationship, make sure to seek support first before applying these tips on your own. If you are in imminent or immediate danger, connect with your local domestic abuse crisis line.

Sources:

Institute for Family Studies (2022). Me, You, and Us: We-Ness and Couple Identity. https://ifstudies.org/blog/me-you-and-us-we-ness-and-couple-identity

Psychology Today (2021). Why the Fight/Make-Up Cycle Doesn’t Work.https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/fixing-families/202105/why-the-fightmake-cycle-doesn-t-work?amp